


Further Festive Miscellany

by Small_Hobbit



Series: The Marylebone Monthly Illustrated [23]
Category: Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:40:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 3,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27818404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Small_Hobbit/pseuds/Small_Hobbit
Summary: Here it is, the much anticipated Christmas Supplement for theMarylebone Monthly Illustrated
Series: The Marylebone Monthly Illustrated [23]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/256591
Comments: 70
Kudos: 11





	1. Ding Dong - Ferret

Ding Dong Merrily we sing  
And ring the bells for Christmas  
Ding Dong Happiness we bring  
The Christmas edition is upon us  
There is something for us a-a-a-a-all  
And we are very happy!  
There is something for us a-a-a-a-all  
And we are very happy!

There are quizzes, tales and song  
To occupy all readers  
To keep you happy all day long  
Is where we hope to lead yers  
There is something for us a-a-a-a-all  
And we are very happy!  
There is something for us a-a-a-a-all  
And we are very happy!


	2. Hedgehog Holmes - Poley the Moley

Hedgehog Holmes was snuffling his way through the park one morning when he spotted some particularly shiny raindrops on the grass.

“Look, Mole Watson,” he said to his companion, “can you see those raindrops?” Then he looked up into the clear blue sky and added, “But it hasn’t been raining today, and surely any dewdrops should have disappeared by now. Let’s go and take a closer look.”

They drew closer, and Hedgehog Holmes realised they were not, in fact, raindrops, but diamonds.

At that moment, Mole Watson thought he saw two lovely red berries fall off the bush, so he worked his way over the grass to collect them as a midmorning treat. However, to his surprise, they weren’t berries, but little hard sparkly stones.

“Hedgehog Holmes,” he called. “Come and see these not-berries. Do you think they belong with your not-raindrops?”

Hedgehog Holmes came to have a look. “My not-raindrops are diamonds, and quite valuable, and these not-berries, if I’m right, are rubies. I wonder how they came to be here?”

“Perhaps someone’s lost them?”

“I think that’s quite likely. They may have been strung as a necklace. Then something broke and the jewels fell to the ground.”

“If that’s the case, I expect the owner will be very sad,” Mole Watson said thoughtfully. “Look, I’m right. Even their tears have turned to stone.”

“Those are pearls,” Hedgehog Holmes said. “Now we’ve found them, what are we going to do about them?”

They were wondering what to do when they saw two young ladies come close by. They watched as one of the ladies pinned a notice to the bench, and, as soon as they turned away, Hedgehog Holmes trotted over to look at it. 

He waited for Mole Watson to catch up and then said, “I was right, they’re looking for a missing necklace. Somehow we have to attract their attention.”

“Couldn’t you wave the notice at them?” Mole Watson asked.

“I don’t think that would work, but it’s given me an idea. Help me to attach the notice to my prickles.”

Rather bemused, Mole Watson did as Hedgehog Holmes requested. Then he watched as his friend scurried over to where the two young ladies were looking in the long grass, in the hope of spotting the necklace.

One of the ladies saw him and said to her friend, “Oh look, the poor little thing’s got your notice stuck on his back. Come on, let’s see if we can help him.”

Hedgehog Holmes headed straight for the bush where they’d collected the jewels, and then ducking right underneath it, he dislodged the notice.

“Look here!” the lady said, “My jewels. The thread must have broken.” She bent down and picked them up. “They’re all here. I’m so happy I haven’t lost any of them. I can get them rethreaded, but they were a present from my grandmother, and I would have hated to have lost them forever.”

“Oh, Sylvie, I’m so pleased for you. It’s almost as if the hedgehog was trying to help.”

“Well, I think he was. Thank you, Mr Hedgehog, you’ve made me very happy!” 

Hedgehog Holmes and Mole Watson smiled at each other. It was impossible to tell if Hedgehog Holmes was blushing, but Mole Watson suspected he was.


	3. Holmes & Watson - the Ferret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The obligatory Christmas musical, with apologies to Benny Andersson and Bjorn Ulvaeus

**CHORUS:**

_Waterloo  
Ran for the train, just made the door  
Waterloo  
Throwing a bag down, it hits the floor_

_Waterloo  
Taking a breath, he’s just on time  
Waterloo  
The train’s speeding up as he leaves the grime_

Dr Watson looks at the telegram he’d received from Holmes. As usual it contains the minimum amount of information, but fortunately over the years the doctor has become accustomed to deciphering such messages.

**WATSON:  
** _Inconvenient it may be  
I know, but I have to come  
Knowing me, knowing you  
It’s the thing that I do_

  
Arriving at the station, Watson sees Holmes pacing up and down the platform, waiting for him. He jumps down from the train, and Holmes hustles him into a cart which is waiting for them. The driver flicks his whip, and the horse is off at a brisk pace.

**HOLMES:  
** _I’ve been waiting for you for the last half hour  
We have a criminal to catch, and he’s now in my power_

**WATSON:  
** _Well, I’m here now,  
We can go get him  
Later tell me how  
You have finally caught your man  
Tell me all from when it began_

**HOLMES & WATSON:  
** _Just one move and we will bring the man down  
One more move and we will cause him to frown_

**CHORUS:  
** _Holmes and Watson, here they go again  
Look, look, they are on the trail  
Holmes and Watson, running toe to toe again  
Look, look, they will never fail  
Yes, there are problems sometimes  
And some perplexing old crimes  
But they are the ones to follow  
Holmes and Watson, pair subliminal  
Look look, they have got their criminal_

With the criminal handed over to the authorities, Holmes and Watson take the train back to London.

**HOLMES:  
** _He slipped up  
One mistake  
Thought himself better than me_

**WATSON:  
** _He was wrong  
You knew best  
Nobody else would have guessed_

_You are the best of all  
You’re the one  
Before whom others pall_

  
Holmes and Watson reach their rooms, where it is time for a bit of a celebration.

**WATSON:  
** _You’re something special, a fact which we all here know  
You look at small things and a solution you can swiftly show_

**HOLMES:  
** _My way of working is simply to observe  
I don’t just see, so I get what I deserve_

**HOLMES & WATSON:  
** _We’re so happy you see  
Because together we can be_

**CHORUS:  
** _So we say  
Thank you for the stories, the tales you tell us  
Men who are angry, and women jealous  
We’d be lost without you, without your friendship  
Where would we be  
With no Holmes at Watson at 221B?  
So we say thank you for the stories  
For sharing them with me!_   
  



	4. L is for Lamps - Sloth

L is for Lamps which are lit before dark  
Casting strange shadows on walks through the park  
I is for Instrument, Holmes practices at night  
The lamps turned down, no music in sight  
G is for Ghosts those stories of old  
When warm fires are flickering, they are retold  
H is for Heavens, and light from the star  
Which guided the wise men who came from afar  
T is for Tree, on which pretty candles are lit   
And bonbons, small presents, and Mouselet, can sit  
Lights of all sorts, both outside and in  
To welcome our guests, the festivities begin!


	5. Mrs Hudson's Christmas Management

The following rules if followed should provide for an enjoyable time for all:

  1. Christmas pudding should be made on Stir Up Sunday, to ensure the alcohol has sufficient time to soak in properly.
  2. Similarly, the Christmas cake needs to be made sufficiently in advance to allow for it to be fed regularly. A rule of thumb is one small glass for the cake, two large glasses for the cook.
  3. Order the fowl in advance from a reputable supplier. Do not ask Mr Holmes to purchase the fowl, since he will go to Covent Garden market and we all know that will not be fruitful. (Pun courtesy of Dr Watson).
  4. Mincemeat for the pies to be made in advance, see points 1 and 2 above.
  5. Remind Dr Watson that if he goes out to celebrate the season, he does not need to sing on his return.
  6. Decorations for 221B can be a tasteful selection of greenery, together with a respectable tree. On no account should candles be used.
  7. Check the mincemeat one week in advance, this allows time for additional alcohol to be added either to mixture or cook, if not both.
  8. Check with Dr Watson who exactly has been invited to join the celebrations on Christmas Day. Remind him that while additional detective inspectors are welcome to come, having them turn up on the day without prior warning will lead to smaller portions all round.
  9. Remove candles Mr Holmes has attempted to introduce to the decorations.
  10. All guests to be seated promptly at 1pm. On no account will the Christmas pudding be set on fire. The table will be cleared promptly at 2.30pm. A cold collation for supper will be laid on in the pantry for anyone who wishes to partake; table service will not be provided. From 3pm the housekeeper will be appreciating her own festive gifts and is not to be disturbed.




	6. Dramatis Personae - the Gang

**Sherlock Holmes by the Ocelot**

Mr Holmes is a world-renowned consulting detective, who has solved many crimes which have defeated those who do not share his ability to not only see but observe and to take the minutiae of life and reconstruct a complicated case from the smallest of details. However, like many who are engaged in looking into the distance, he sometimes fails to notice things which are under his nose, as, for instance, smouldering tablecloths. Or, as happened yesterday, his elbow in the butter when he was describing the progress of a case over the breakfast table. 

**Dr Watson by the Ferret**

Dr John Watson is a very busy physician, not only when visiting his own patients, but in caring for the young Irregulars and indeed Mr Holmes and some of the policemen when they have been accosted in the course of their duties. He is an enthusiastic player of the barrel organ, although his ability is rarely appreciated by those who gather round him, however, he performs well in his prime role as distraction. He enjoys the occasional visit to his club and but rarely succumbs to having a drink more than some would consider wise. His vocal efforts at such times are perfect for duetting.

**Inspector Lestrade by Aemelia Vole**

Detective Inspector Lestrade is a very hard-working policeman. Mr Holmes may sometimes accuse him of being slow, but he is extremely methodical and once he is on the track of a criminal he does not give up. He is not a flighty man, but a most conscientious one. His hair is starting to turn grey, but this only makes him look more distinguished and his beautiful deep brown eyes shine with enthusiasm. He is very courteous and treats Mrs Hudson with all the respect that she is due. His reward is the appearance of fruit cake and he is always very appreciative of her efforts.

**Inspector Hopkins by Mouselet**

Detective Inspector Stanley Hopkins is the very best policeman ever. He is quiet and unassuming, thoughtful and has learnt many things from Mr Holmes, yet he retains his own manner. He has beautiful grey eyes, and a sweet smile when he is happy. He has strong, capable hands, and the two little scars on his fingers do not detract from him but bear testimony to his abilities. His chest, although rarely revealed, is the epitome of manliness and conceals a heart devoted to his duty. His legs are powerful and capable of outrunning any opponent. Inspector Hopkins is perfection itself.

**Mrs Hudson by the Sloth**

If it were not for Mrs Hudson, 221B would have disappeared into a sea of papers and experiments before going up in smoke. The lady has the patience of a saint, providing meals at regular intervals, and also irregular intervals when called upon. She will willingly provide extra tea and biscuits for unexpected visitors and endures being called upon at all hours of day and night. In the circumstances it is no wonder the owner of the off licence sees her as one of his most loyal and regular customers. Yet despite everything, she seems to have genuine feelings for Mr Holmes and Dr Watson.


	7. Dr Watson's Puzzle Page

**Logic Puzzle:**

A cab has dropped Dr Watson off at Baker Street, along with the three boxes he has to carry upstairs to 221B. One contains a drunken ferret, one has sweets for the Christmas tree, and one is a drum. Due to his bad leg Dr Watson can only carry one box up at a time. 

It should be noted that once again, when he could be useful, Holmes has vanished. It is imperative following a debacle earlier that morning that Mrs Hudson is not disturbed.

The following items need consideration: If Dr Watson leaves the Ferret with the sweets, he will eat them. If he leaves the Ferret with the drum, he will bang on it very loudly. How is Dr Watson to manage?

**Answer:**

Carry the Ferret upstairs. (Ignore singing)

Go back down and take the drum upstairs. (Sweets are safer from Mouselet downstairs)

Return downstairs with the Ferret. (Humming loudly to drown out singing)

Leave Ferret at the bottom of the stairs and carry the sweets upstairs.

Go back down again. (Quickly, so as to be back before Mouselet has found the sweets)

Hobble back upstairs with Ferret once more. 

Pour stiff brandy and collapse into armchair.

**###**

**Riddles**

**Q:** When is a hat like a ventriloquist with a herd of muntjac?

**A:** When it’s a deerstalker (deers talker)

**Q:** What do you get when you add Garridebs and students?

**A:** Napoleons (3 + 3 = 6)

**Q:** Combine a circle with a pince-nez and what is the outcome?

**A:** Pips (Red mixed with gold goes orange)

**###**

**Riddle me this:**

My first is in John but not in Sherlock  
My second in cat but not in mouse up the clock  
My third is in compassion and also in cares  
My next is in black but not in brown bears  
My fifth is in friend and also in foe  
My sixth is in scarf which you’ll need in the snow  
My seventh is in hot and also in cold  
My eighth is in Holmes and Watson whose tales are told  
My last is in boats and also in trains  
My all draws icy patterns onto the window panes

(Answer: Jack Frost)


	8. The Twelve Days of Christmas

**Watson:  
** On the first day of Christmas Mrs Hudson gave to us baked pears.  
Or half-baked pears due to Holmes having upset her (again)

**Mrs Hudson:  
** On the second day of Christmas Mr Holmes left with me two turtles  
I found them swimming in the bathtub. Turtles were rehomed and the rent was increased.

**Watson:  
** On the third day of Christmas Mrs Hudson gave to us three slices of chicken  
Definitely broiler, and very chewy

**Mrs Hudson:  
** On the fourth day of Christmas Mr Holmes left with me four calling birds  
Budgerigars would have been just about acceptable, these were parrots. Parrots rehomed and rent increased

**Watson:  
** On the fifth day of Christmas Mrs Hudson gave to us five very loud rings  
Deliberately, knowing we had been out the night before and because she had been knocked up very early by a client

**Mrs Hudson:  
** On the sixth day of Christmas Mr Holmes left me with six laying geese  
Kept the eggs, rehomed the geese, increased the rent

**Watson:  
** On the seventh day of Christmas Mrs Hudson gave to us seven swan feathers  
And a very pointed look at Holmes. Breakfast was late and cold

**Mrs Hudson:  
** On the eighth day of Christmas Mr Holmes sent to me eight milkmaids  
Accepted milk, told maids we were not employing new staff, almost felt generous but put rent up anyway

**Watson:  
** On the ninth day of Christmas Mrs Hudson sent up nine ladies who proceeded to dance round the room  
Ordinarily I wouldn’t have minded, but these ladies bore strong resemblances to Holmes and various Scotland Yard detectives

**Mrs Hudson:  
** On the tenth day of Christmas Mr Holmes sent to me ten lords who proceeded to leap and cavort outside the front door  
Sent the lords away with a flea in their ear and increased rent

**Watson:  
** On the eleventh day of Christmas Mrs Hudson sent up a note saying if Holmes didn’t stop playing the bagpipes immediately, she would be staying with Mrs Turner until the end of January  
Sent down a note asking if Mrs Turner could give me a room as well

**Mrs Hudson:**  
On the twelfth day of Christmas Mr Holmes sent to me (at Mrs Turner’s) twelve drummers to request my return home  
Borrowed Dr Watson’s revolver and told the drummers exactly what would be happening to their drums unless they departed immediately. Buying second property due to new rent charge


	9. Decorations - Ocelot

The shelf over the fireplace is normally where all sorts of articles are put for safekeeping. Mr Holmes’ correspondence is speared to it, Dr Watson keeps his tobacco pouch up there, various odds and ends are picked up and left on the shelf, retrieved, and returned there. Sometimes there will be coins left there in readiness for visits by the Irregulars. The occasional invitation card is displayed there until Mr Holmes removes it and the invitation is ‘accidentally’ forgotten. And above all else, this is the shelf Mouselet sits on to survey the room.

However, just before Christmas this all changes. For the shelf is needed for a festive display. Dr Watson removes his tobacco pouch and anything else he needs, and the correspondence is relocated. The shelf is cleared by the simple expedient of the Ferret walking across it and knocking off anything which is left. The shelf is then dusted, and everything is ready for the decorations.

In centre stage is a simple stable, with a manger. Mouselet normally sleeps in the manger. Mary and Joseph are lost (Mary went home one year with an Irregular and has yet to return), but there is a donkey and a camel. (One year it was a zebra, and the following year a kangaroo – neither were deemed particularly appropriate).

On either side of the stable the greenery is arranged, with Mouselet and Aemelia Vole ensuring that the two sides match. At either end of the greenery Dr Watson places a pair of brass candlesticks. There are no candles, a matter insisted upon by the Elf of Safety (Ferret in a green cloak) and everybody else. Then Mouselet and Aemelia hang trailing ivy and holly berries down from the candlesticks, so that the fireplace is framed.

The Ferret then dons a red cloak and carries a bag of glass baubles onto the shelf, so Mouselet and Aemelia can select a few which they place neatly amongst the greenery, ensuring the two sides are mirror images of each other. One year the Ferret mixed the baubles up after they had been put on display. It turns out that Aemelia, when armed with a darning needle, can be an extremely formidable vole.

All that remains is for Mr Holmes to place the star above the stable. He has a keen eye, and he places it exactly in the centre. Then the decorations are ready for all to admire.


	10. While Ferret Ate His Snacks At Night

While ferret ate his snack by night  
Sitting on the table  
He scattered crumbs onto the floor  
In all directions he was able

The mess was such the following day  
The ocelot’s words were stern  
If he wished to partake in Christmas meal  
His place then he must earn

So ferret sadly cleared the mess  
Using dust pan and a brush  
Aemelia and Mouselet supervised  
So he did not dare to rush

But very soon the floor was clean  
And the Ferret a little thinner  
Was sat with all the others when  
It was time for Christmas dinner

A splendid time was had by all  
With Holmes and Watson too  
And all that’s left for us to say  
Is **Happy Christmas** to all of you!  
  


**And Best Wishes to You All for the New Year from all the Staff of the _Marylebone Monthly Illustrated_.**


End file.
